Because she hounded me for weeks and also because she has the best beggar’s face in history, I gave in and allowed 3 year old Cadence to visit my mom. I was very concerned about her reaction to the visible affects of my mom’s illness but as I watched her snuggle up to my mom in that hospital bed I knew she was fine. As my Aunt Deb said, Cadence sees with her heart and at that moment her little heart only had room for Meemom. My mom was sleeping when Cadence came in but once we had her tiny hands covered in surgical gloves and a huge hospital gown tied at her back Cadence soon ended that nap; “Wake up Meemom, I’m here now!”
My mom’s eyes came open and focused on her youngest grandchild, as recognition dawned she pulled up and turned herself away. I knew in that moment that she was afraid of how she looked to Cadence and I murmured to her, comforting her, convincing her it was fine. She turned back as Cadence pointed to the trach tube and announced “Meemom, I love you pretty necklace.” We all smiled, seeing life through a child’s eyes is quite wonderful. My mom’s eyes never left Cadence’s face during that 2 hour visit in which we had to listen to a million rambling stories, a rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and demands that Meemom “Wake up her mouth.” Of course, my mom tried to speak because how can you not try to satisfy the innocent requests of a child, but each time she tried there was no sound just movement and bubbles of saliva. It didn’t really matter that she didn’t talk in that moment; we were thrilled that she tried and the light in her eyes said more than enough. Cadence moved on to coating my mom’s mouth in flavored lip gloss, which made us laugh as we watched my mom’s tongue peek out and lick it off. It is an ongoing joke in our family that my mom runs through a tube of flavored Chapstick each week because she keeps licking it off of her lips and is then forced to reapply!
My mom’s eyes came open and focused on her youngest grandchild, as recognition dawned she pulled up and turned herself away. I knew in that moment that she was afraid of how she looked to Cadence and I murmured to her, comforting her, convincing her it was fine. She turned back as Cadence pointed to the trach tube and announced “Meemom, I love you pretty necklace.” We all smiled, seeing life through a child’s eyes is quite wonderful. My mom’s eyes never left Cadence’s face during that 2 hour visit in which we had to listen to a million rambling stories, a rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and demands that Meemom “Wake up her mouth.” Of course, my mom tried to speak because how can you not try to satisfy the innocent requests of a child, but each time she tried there was no sound just movement and bubbles of saliva. It didn’t really matter that she didn’t talk in that moment; we were thrilled that she tried and the light in her eyes said more than enough. Cadence moved on to coating my mom’s mouth in flavored lip gloss, which made us laugh as we watched my mom’s tongue peek out and lick it off. It is an ongoing joke in our family that my mom runs through a tube of flavored Chapstick each week because she keeps licking it off of her lips and is then forced to reapply!
Cadence has not seen my mom or stepfather in 3 months and her joy at the sight of them both was a thrill. When my mom finally fell asleep, Cadence sat in the family room of Rhoads 7 and played board games with Dan. She pulled out a chess board, “Papa Dan, you play with me? Peas, peas! (the “l” in please is hard to come by somedays). Dan set up the game board while Cadence moved the knights around yelling “Nay, nay, nay.” They played until it was time to leave and as we walked passed my mom’s room Cadence yelled “I love you, Meemom! See ya later!!”
My mom always corrected us if we were leaving her house and said “good-bye” because she felt that it was too permanent; she taught the kids to say “see ya later” or “see ya soon” and hearing Cadence that day brought me to the edge, suffocating me. It brought to the surface the fear I hide, the fear of losing. I don’t have many memories that my mom is not a part of and I am afraid of how this will end; losing her will leave part of me dead and empty and somewhat alone without her. She is my voice, my laughter and my song, the mirror of my unseen heart, she is the place where I always belong and I don’t want to say good-bye.
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