Tomorrow my son will be five years old. I made arrangements for his party at a karate school near my work, it is my first official birthday party. Usually we just have cake and ice cream with the family but parties like that seem to emphasize the fact that my mom is missing. I shopped for Connor's gift and party favors alone one Friday afternoon while the kids were still in daycare. I ordered the food and cake without my mom and realized that this is how my life will be moving forward. I keep telling myself that I am upset because my mom is missing all this, she is not here to see her only grandson turn 5 and she would have loved it so! In those moments when I am truly honest with myself I admit that I am more devastated over the fact that I don't get to see my mom seeing Connor turn 5. I have lost something so wonderful and most of the time I try to be thankful that I had it at all, but lately I have been failing miserably. I just want my mom back, I want to scream at someone, anyone and demand an answer to the question, "Why did she leave me?" I know how childish that sounds and all I can say is that I am her child and being 36 years old doesn't mean that I miss my mom any less than my 3 year old daughter misses me when I am away from her.
Death is what it is, the emotional reaction to it is the part that gets me. Since my mom's passing I have become afraid to do things that are totally unrelated to her death. For example, I don't want to go to the grocery store by myself, I did it a million times while my mom was alive but for some reason it is hard to handle now. I guess it has to do with the fact that if my mom was alive I knew in my heart that I could call her if I didn't want to go alone and she would go along for the ride. It is really difficult to move forward without that cushion in life. I force myself to do all these things alone because I know I can't stop living nor do I want to. I have even gone to restaurants and had dinner alone with my kids which is not something I ever did. I guess it was a personal challenge I set for myself. It was actually a lot of fun, talking to my kids about Connor's birthday while we ate pancakes for dinner. I have gotten into the habit of writing down the really great stuff I do with my husband and children so that I never forget what I am living for. They say having a child is making the choice to allow your heart to live outside of your body, mine is split in two and still lives on. In the beginning of our marriage James and I would always say to each other "You are the love of my life, my future" and I never realized until now how true that is. James is most definitely my future. He is the person who is only concerned for me, I won't say he is my soulmate because I find that to be such nonsense. Marraige is never easy and the whole soulmate concept makes it sound like a walk in the park. James is not my soulmate, he is simply the man I love and trust, the man who shows me the path when I am lost and remains calm in my storm. He smiles at my clumsiness and believes that his life would not be complete if me and the kids weren't a part of it. These are the things I am living for because my mom didn't raise a fool and I keep moving forward because she didn't raise a coward either.
I miss her every moment of every day. I find myself posting messages on her Facebook account because it actually feels like I am talking to her. Silly, but true. I am sure I will visit that page tomorrow to share the fun of her grandson's 5th birthday with her. I will share with her the details of the party favors I bought alone and describe the cake that Connor agreed to after I spent 35 minutes explaining to him that he couldn't have a picture of my friend Jill! If my mom were alive i wouldn't have to tell her these things because she would have been by my side experiencing them with me. Sometimes, I just close my eyes for a few moments and pretend she has just gotten a few steps ahead of me and she will be there waiting when I finally catch up. It is a nice thought in those brief moments and when I open my eyes again I can feel her all around me. So again, I take a deep breath and step forward...
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