This morning I had to wait for a man to jog through the intersection before I could turn into the daycare center to drop off my children and it made me angry. I could feel my blood pressure rising and could hear myself yelling inside my head. I actually thought about nudging him out of the way with my car!--Okay, I didn't give that thought any serious consideration but the fact that it came to mind makes me worry about my own mental status.
I miss my mom and I am so angry at the world because she was taken from me, from my children and my family. She was my friend, the person I could call when I was upset about something stupid and now I don't have that. I know it is not fair to wish her back to a body that couldn't keep up with her spirit but dammit, I want her back. I will never call someone Mom again in my lifetime and that seems to make something inside me very dark and very irrational. I don't sleep at night anymore because I can't get past the images of my mom in that stupid hospice or being poked and prodded in that awful hospital. I know that my mom's death should not be about me, it should be about her. I can tell you what an amazing woman my mom was but I will never be convinced that you fully appreciate the fact. My children are young and they miss my mom dearly right now and I pray that they always remember her. They are so beautiful and so innocent that I want to know how God could take their grandmother! My mom lived with cancer for 10 years and never needed any form of treatment but along comes this disease that takes her within months, leaving me without her and clouding my memories with pain and anguish. She was the glue for us and now I watch my family fall to pieces and although I hate to say something so petty, IT IS NOT FAIR! Who the hell makes these decisions? I don't think they looked close enough at my mom, they didn't realize that this one woman held together an entire clan of people. Somebody overlooked the fact that we needed her before they snatched that strong, vibrant woman away from us.
There is something about laying awake in a dark room that makes you feel utterly alone even if someone is beside you. I try to lie still so as not to wake my husband but sometimes you think that tossing and turning may help you escape the terrors that your mind relives in that empty darkness. Since my mom's death I have realized that I can function on 2 to 3 hours of sleep a night and still get up and make it through my day. I am up by 5:30, showered and dressed by 6 when I wake the kids to get them off to daycare. We are out the front door by 6:45 and I am sitting at my desk by 7:30 if Cadence doesn't have a meltdown when I drop her off. Last week she cried as I went to leave and when I promised to be back after work to pick her up she screamed that Meemom never came back. Seeing so much misery in her big eyes, so blue like my mom's, makes me want snatch her up with her brother and run away. The pain always finds you and then you have to deal with the idiots that tell you it gets easier. That is the biggest load of bullshit I think anyone ever put to me. It doesn't get easier, it just becomes a part of you and you learn to hide it and tell people you are doing better. Basically, you lie to them so that they can move on with their lives. My mom would be truly disappointed if I didn't move on with my life, she would be sad to see me trapped in grief over her and other than my precious family that is the only thing that keeps me moving forward instead of stepping back or dropping out completely.
You cannot lie to everyone in your life. Some people just know you too well to allow it and others you let in by choice. My husband James knows me very well and he knows my anger despite the fact that I never voice it to him. He is sweet enough to let me have it for now and tells me I have the right to be mad because my mom's death is infuriating. At work, there is one coworker who is the person I have let in by choice. She always listens when I am teetering on the edge and she managed to not look alarmed when I shared my desire to sick my minivan on an innocent jogger. She actually manages to make me laugh with her sarcastic humor and makes me feel like something clicks inside. In a lifetime there are very few people that will share each nuance of your sense of humor. For the most part you can get people to laugh with you at the classics, but it is rare to find that person who is amused by the dark side of your humor. I have found Jill and the mean side of my humor exists pleasantly with hers. We tend to be amused by things that might make others look on in mild alarm and we always seem to find ourselves announcing that we are going to hell for whatever sarcastic comment hit the spot at a particular moment in time. I can see in her face that she is concerned for me and I know that she is upset by my pain, but she always does me the favor of dropping a witty, sarcastic line rather than boohoo me. I guess most people would take that opportunity to regain their composure but I always use it to vent the effects of my mental breakdown. It works for me and I am always thankful to Jill for being the person she is.
Jill shares stories of her mom with me and I love to listen. She is wise enough to appreciate her mom and lucky enough to consider her as her best friend. Hearing Jill speak of her mom makes me remember the wonderful times I had with my mom and it makes me realize that I would never change a single moment with her. So, I guess that jogger this morning can thank Jill and her mom for the fact that he didn't get his skinny butt run over by a minivan! And I will continue to thank Jill for her witty, intelligent sense of humor and I will thank her mom for teaching her daughter the perfect blend of sarcasm and compassion.
Ya know Jodi, I think you are 100% correct when you say people are full of shit when they say it gets easier. Ive been having a hard time with losing my father, so I asked a friend of his, who had lost her daughter, if it ever gets easier. She said NO. you just learn to live with the pain. Sometimes I feel like I have to be strong for my kids and then I go cry by myself after they go to bed. I feel you pain. It doesnt make it any easier for you, but I completely understand. I love ur writing! You make me cry and ususally it takes a hallmark movie to do that! Keep strong! You are all in my thoughts everyday. I look aacross teh street and its like there is a bright light permenantly out over there. Sometimes life just sucks!
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