This week has been a long one with a million little things going wrong. They are just the trivial little occurences in life that normally you would take in stride if you were hit with just one at a time but when the occur in a short time it is almost enough to send you over the edge. Today is my edge.
The weekend was really wonderful and I should have known by late Sunday night when all was well that it wouldn't hold. I spent Saturday afternoon at a friend's baby shower with Dana and had a wondergul time. Sarah is pregnant with twin girls and is beside herself with the excitement, her family is as welcoming as they are funny and her niece is as cute as they come with her little pony tails and happy smile. The whole event was fun and relaxing with good food and none of those cheesy baby shower games. Sunday I spent the afternoon at Dana's house where we had a barbecue to celebrate the Labor Day holiday. Dana makes the best potato salad ever and stole a really delicious pulled pork recipe from my cousin Donna. I sat on the patio with Dan, Dana and Chris and we talked and laughed, it wasn't the laughter we shared when my mom was alive but it was laughter all the same. That empty space that is so intense whenever you are there at the house where my mom lived was still there but for some reason it didn't seem so empty. We talked about my mom and let our eyes fill as we missed her but we smiled about her and remembered her smiling about us. That is something we haven't done in a long time. That feeling of smiling when I think of my mom is gone now but I was so thrilled to have it that Sunday afternoon even if it was only for a few brief moments.
Monday swooped in to eliminate any bit of relief that the weekend brought and each day got a little worse as the week went on. Connor started kindergarten last week but with the holidays and teacher workshop he was scheduled to go to school one day last week and one day this week and Monday was not his day. If I wanted to send him to Cadence's daycare for the day it costs $75 that I just don't have. James is already working over 60 hours a week trying to get us out of the hole we put ourselves into during my mom's illness and the costs after she passed and I just couldn't bear to add another expense. I made arrangements to bring Connor to work with me after I dropped Cadence at daycare as we have to pay her daycare fee whether she is there or not I figured one child at work would be manageable. Cadence cried when I dropped her off because she wanted to stay with Connor but I managed to calm her somewhat before I left. I put in 9 hours at work that day in between entertaining Connor before I would finally get back to pick her up. Dinner was a sad affair of mac and cheese and the kids were in bed by 7:30pm and I managed to fall asleep sometime after 2:30am and still make my alarm's 5:30am wake-up call.
Tuesday brought another teary good-bye from Cadence but she was easily distracted with the idea that today was her turn for Show and Tell at daycare. Connor was dragged along to my office with a tote filled with Play Doh and its various accessories. He is pretty well behaved at the office but I work with medical writers and editors and for the most part it is pretty quiet work and bored 5 year olds tend to have a bit more volume. My co-workers are extremely supportive and do what they can to help me out. Connie is part of our graphic design team. She lost her husband a few years back after he battled a brain tumor and her outlook and understanding are wonderful. She set Connor up on a website where you can create your own snowflakes and then took time from her schedule to help him cut out each intricate flake. occupying him for 2 hours or so. Connor is also very much in love with my friend and co-worker, Jill who takes up residency in the office next to mine. He spends a lot of his time making her little paper hearts and various other creations and then visits with her when he delivers them. Jill is extremely good at her job and was raised with the ethics that do not allow her to turn away from any chore while stating that it is not her job, making her a very busy person in the office. Despite her workload she always takes the time to accept Connor's gifts and chat with him for a bit and I truly appreciate that. Later in the afternoon I received a call from my sister Chris asking me for the name of the grief counselor I knew at the hospice that cared for my mom. It turns out that my niece had an episode in school and told her teachers that she really wanted her grandmom back. It took them about 90 minutes to stem the flow of tears and Chris thought it best that she talk to someone as she had never let on to the grief she was holding. Each time Chris tries to speak to her about it she gets angry and will not answer her. Bonnie has lived with my mom just about all of her life and has lost her just a few months after her parents divorce. Although my sister and her husband have done all they could to make the transition smooth and friendly Bonnie is no dummy and change is not her favorite thing. Tuesday evening, Jill took Connor and Cadence home with her to make their own pizzas for dinner so that I could attend Back-to-School night at Connor's elementary school. The event was really great and I enjoyed hearing what Connor would be learning in school and being introduced to the people he would spend his days with. I spoke to some of the other mom's and even joined the PTO against my better judgement simply because I found the president of the organization very likeable, Connor's teacher spoke a bit over the scheduled 30 minutes and I was reluctant to miss any of the information she plied on us. As I left the school I hurried to Jill's house to pick up the kids, worrying that it was passed their bedtime and afraid they had drived Jill over that edge where I hang out most days! My luck being what it is, there was an accident about 2 minutes form her home that left me stranded in traffic when I called to let her know I was running late. I could see the entrance to her development from where I sat and decided that if I just got out of my car and explained to the officer handling the road closure that I simply had to turn there he would certainly understand. After telling me to return to my car twice and warning me that he could arrest me he realized I wasn't giving up and allowed be to sneak by the scene on the shoulder, I was afraid to pull out my cell phone and call Jill for fear he would certainly arrest me at that point.
Wednesday was going to be an easy day. I dropped Cadence at daycare on my way to the office and James would take Connor to school that morning for his first day of kindergarten and after he would be bussed to the after-care program. The first phone call came at 12:20pm from the secretary at Connor's elementary school. She wanted to confirm with me that Connor was indeed going to the after-care program as they had never sent a bus to pick him up. She assured me Connor was fine and said she would call and get things straight and when she called back again 15 minutes later, all was well, supposedly. I finished out the work day with the nagging image of my little guy sitting alone in the school office, holding on to a backpack that is bigger than he is and waiting on the bus that didn't come. I picked up Cadence and she was thrilled to go with me to "Connor's new school" and pick him up.
We arrived at Connor's after care school at 5:00pm and I made my was to the cafeteria where the program was set up. It seemed like they had done a really nice job; there were large section rugs placed on the tiled floors where groups of kids built with blocks and cafeteria tables housed kids playing board games and coloring. It was a nice, comfortable atmosphere and I was glad we had chose this for Connor. The only problem with the after care program was that as I scanned the area I realized that Connor just was not there. That's right, after 45 minutes of phone calls on the part of the program's aids and an almost total meltdown on my part it was discovered that Connor had been put on the wrong list and bussed to the wrong facility. He was in good hands but just not the right hands! The relief came flooding over me as I drove to the other school to get him and I even managed to see some of the humor in the scene Cadence and I had created. Between me asking how this could have happened and Cadence standing beside me, hands on her hips using her best demanding tone saying "Did you lose my brother? Did you put him on the wrong bus?" I am sure we were a sight! I picked Connor up at the other facility and he didn't even realize that he had been lost so all was well. I just couldn't stop that one horrible thought that crushed me, "if my mom were alive this wouldn't have happened, Connor would have been with her"
After our lovely mid-week adventure I figured Thursday would have to come and go without incidence, right? Not exactly...
Schools were closed for the holiday on Thursday and Friday so Connor packed up his Play-Doh and came to hang out at the office with Jill and I. After wrapping up a teleconference I checked the messages on my cell phone and discovered several from James. He doesn't usually call in the morning so my heart was beating a little faster as I called into my voicemail. James message explained that there was a rather large puddle oil on my side of the driveway and he was concerned. I went out to check my car in the parking lot and sure enough there was a good size oil spill beneath it. This finding led to a phone call to the dealership where I had just had my oil changed over the weekend. The car had to be towed as there was no oil measuring on the dipstick when it was checked and I had to have Enterprise "pick me up" The dealership did pay for the rental for 2 days as they checked out my vehicle and Cadence was totally convinced that the black Chevy HHR rental we received was considerably less lame than our silver minivan. The tantrum that ensued when our car was returned was not fun!
I worked from home on Friday simply because I was afraid to leave the damn house! I managed to break 2 dishes and burn a microwave dinner but I considered that a pretty good day.
I know these would have happened regardless of whether or not my mom were here but when things don't go well that thought always surfaces, "if my mom were alive this wouldn't have happened." I know it is not true but I know things are definitely easier when your mom is there to lead the way. Weeks like this one make me miss little things about my mom that I didn't consciously notice while she was here. I miss the way she would simply drop whatever she was holding if she saw one of the kids running to hug her, or the way she said "See ya later, Hots!" to my niece each time she left for school. Most of all I miss the feeling of simply walking beside her knowing she was there without having to look over. I miss letting the kids fall asleep in the backseat and then parking and watching traffic go by as we ate drive-thru burgers. In all honesty, I miss everything about her, even the sentences that started "If you want my opinion..." even when she knew I didn't. Some of the anger over her death has left me but occassionally I still feel it. I am not sure yet if the dull ache that sits in place of the anger is any better. I keep wondering if the feeling of living your life half-empty will ever go away, will I smile again without having to think about it first? And what do with the guilt; the guilt over the fact that it hurts my face to smile or the guilt over how my children are affected by a mother who selfishly wallows in misery on occassion. I guess, chances are I will never know. My mom is proof that you are gone before you ever get the chance to figure it all out. I am glad she lived in the moment, of every moment and now for another step forward as I try to do the same.
