I remember one night just after Connor was born James worked late and I hung out with my mom at her house much longer than usual. As my mom walked me out to the car with the baby she looked into the sky and commented that the lack of the moon made the night truly dark. She started back to the house saying over her shoulder that she wanted to get her keys because she just knew I hadn't turned on my outside light and she would bet money on the street light in front of my house being out again. She drove behind me the few miles to my house and we both laughed at the broken street lamp when we pulled into the drive. My mom carried Connor to the house while I gathered our gear and headed after her. I expected her to turn to leave once we were settled but she sat down and commented on how much she liked the new leather recliners I had purchased. We talked until James came home well after midnight and to this day I wonder how my mom knew that I was overwhelmed with the thought of being alone in the darkness with my new baby. I asked her what it was that I said or did that let her know about that slight panic I was feeling and she said there was nothing, just a feeling she felt. Now, with her gone, I come back to that simple statement. Just a feeling she felt, like a connection between us with no words to get in the way and sometimes late at night I lay awake groping for that feeling, that connection because I miss her so. She is still my very best friend...
Dan misses her more than I thought possible, watching him is almost physically painful. He believes that a mistake was made, that he was "expendable" where my mother was not. I remind him that he too has 4 daughters and 3 grandchildren just as my mom, but I know he feels that she should be here. Each of us girls needs Dan, he is our family and we cannot move forward without him. He has been ill these last few weeks and when he could no longer walk easily, he allowed Chris to take him to the emergency room where he was admitted with a blood infection. The doctors started running tests and came back to let us know that they did not know what type of infection was running through his blood. It was causing inflammation and every joint in his body ached, angry, red nodes appeared on his arms, neck and feet, the inside of his mouth was covered with ulcers. The doctors started consulting specialists outside of the hospital and my mom's medical records were pulled to see if it could have been a form of the hospital-acquired infection she had suffered. Needless to say the fear was sickening, I worried that Dan would follow my mom home when I needed him here. Catscans, MRIs, bloodwork and cultures were done and gave precious little light on the situation and we waited just as we had done with my mom. It made me angry to be in that place again, to feel useless and helpless. When my mom passed I promised myself that I would never watch someone I loved go through the endless waiting that comes with an unidentified cause of illness. I told myself that I would demand answers and get the right doctors but there I was again without a clue as to the next step. I know that finding the cause of my mom's symptoms sooner would not have changed the outcome of her life but it would have eliminated the fear I know she felt when a doctor, a figure you put all your faith into, just does not know how to help you. After 3 days in the hospital and weeks of painful suffering doctors found an antibiotic that worked to kill the infection in Dan's blood and we waited for him to be discharged later in the week. Of course, being who he is, Dan was home the very same day that the hospital pharmacy gave him samples of the oral antibiotic. He said he had signed himself out of the hospital which I know is certainly an option you have, but in my experience they tend to remove your IV before you leave! Basically, Dan told the nurses that he was going downstairs in the wheelchair they supplied so that he could smoke a cigarette and then never returned. I called to scream at him to go back but I felt horrible when he told me he had been in hospitals enough this year and didn't want to stay alone in a room that was 2 doors down from the one where my mom had battled the early stages of PML months before. We all have our demons.
Later, when Dana and I talked about things she shared a conversation she had with Dan's brother, David. She told him that she was trying to handle all of this upset alone because she had no one since my mom had passed. I realized when she said that to me that I should reassure her that I was always here for her but she knows that and I understand what she meant because I feel the same. Each of us girls knows that our sisters are there for us for anything we need, I talk to my aunt almost everyday as we both struggle with the loss, my cousin and I sighed when we came to the conclusion together that each of us had become our mothers and then smiled when we realized you couldn't ask for better, we are all there for each other but in a strange way we are all very much alone in our grief.
My friend Jill recently resigned from her position within our company and has moved on to a new opportunity in her career. Although I am happy for her, I will miss our daily chats and laughter and the bouts of bitching and complaining that coworkers always seem to manage. My husband believes this works to my advantage as he says that although I am a very animated storyteller I am an exceptional writer. Both Jill and Annemarie, another coworker who left the company circle, have been bombarded with the email version of my life since they left. And, as always, putting the pain and frustration down on paper helps almost as much as their emailed responses. I am glad that I had the opportunity to get to know each of them better this passed year. It is funny to think that I have known both of them for numerous years but for some reason events this year seemed to line up and form a stronger bond than was there before. I am eternally grateful for the advice they offered and the strength and support they gave. Their friendship is another item in my list that I use to remind myself that I have things to be thankful for; I think you tend to forget the simple things when you are grieving. I received an email from Annemarie today in which she was simply checking in to see how I was doing. It was such a nice and simple thing that it made my eyes well up. In it she discussed various logistics of attendance to Jill's wedding including travel and lack of spousal assistance but when she asked my opinion on a wardrobe question that was when the tears started to fall, for only a true friend would ask me what I thought about style or fashion. Seriously, I have a good amount of self-esteem and I am pretty comfortable in my own skin, but I have to admit that every day of my life includes at least one fashion faux pas; I wear pajamas bottoms to work and pretend their not, I never paint my toenails when wearing sandals, white after Labor Day is a slogan for me, I don't own make-up and I really believed that fanny packs were a good idea! So, I must say I do love Annemarie!
A card came in the mail the other day from Jill, the combination of the card's own verse and Jill's handwritten note on the inside cover were heartwarming. Reading the card made me realize something I had always felt throughout my life but never actually acknowledged; people consider me a good friend to have. All the wonderful words of friendship in that card from Jill are how I feel about her but for some strange reason I never thought she would feel the same for me. I don't think I am a horrible person or anything and I do have a pretty good sense of humor and outlook on life but I never considered my own value as a friend. I guess that is another item on my list, having friends is nice but being one is truly wonderful.
